When to walk away after infidelity. The 3 most important reasons.
Should I stay or should I leave? Deciding if you should walk away after infidelity.
Many of us have said to ourselves, “I have a zero-tolerance for cheating. If they ever cheat on me, I’m going to walk away”. Sound familiar? It seems like a pretty cut-and-dried decision.
My husband cheated and I can’t get over it
But, when an infidelity does occur, it rarely feels that clear and simple. Infidelity is one of the most upsetting, disorienting, and traumatic events that can happen in a marriage. You are overwhelmed by grief, anger, and confusion.
My wife cheated and I can’t get over it
Nothing makes sense anymore, and nothing feels cut and dried. It’s such a confusing situation that people torture themselves, sometimes for years, asking themselves over and over, “Should I stay or should I walk away?”.
I want to make it very clear that I don’t believe that couples need to break up over infidelity. Affair recovery is very possible. As a Couples Therapist, I’ve seen many couples make their way back from terrible betrayal and build stronger, healthier, and happier marriages. I believe that if both partners want to stay together, and are willing to work hard to stay together then most can survive infidelity.
But, while I truly believe in affair recovery, sometimes, it can be best to just walk away.
Three most important reasons to walk away after infidelity.
Here are three situations in which you may seriously consider walking away.
1. They won’t end the affair.
It isn’t possible for a couple to heal from an affair while the affair is still going on. The partners have to commit to each other. The unfaithful partner has to choose. And choose unequivocally.
It’s ok to be unsure if the marriage can, or should continue. It’s ok to acknowledge that there are some significant problems in the marriage, and it may not survive. But, it is NOT OK to continue to sleep with someone outside the marriage as you try to heal the marriage from infidelity.
This situation puts the injured partner in the impossible position of having to wait to see whether or not they are “chosen”. And that just twists the knife deeper. Plus, it shows such a callous disregard, and lack of empathy for their partner’s pain, that it’s hard to imagine how they can be trusted to really take care of their partner.
I’m not saying that they have to completely cut off all contact. Sometimes this is just not possible. They may work with the person, or the person may be a part of their social circle or be a member of their church or tennis club. This decision around the level of contact, if any, is something that the couple has to work out together.
But I don’t believe it’s possible to seriously work on knitting the marriage back together while one, or both, partners is actively in an affair. You just can’t do it.
2. They won’t acknowledge your pain.
“You’re overreacting”, “Get over it”, “It’s not that big of a deal”. These are the words of a partner who is unwilling to acknowledge the gravity of what they’ve done and the pain that they’ve caused.
Some unfaithful partners behave this way because it is just so painful for them to see their partner’s agony. And, the only way they know how to deal with it is to try and shut them up by minimizing their pain and making them feel like they’re in the wrong for feeling so hurt.
In other cases, the partner really is unable to see “what’s the big deal” and lacks the capacity to feel empathy for their partner’s pain. I see these individuals in couples therapy tapping their foot, rolling their eyes, counting down the clock, impatient for their partner to just “get past it all”.
3. They used infidelity as a weapon.
Any type of infidelity is terrible. But, some are worse than others. Occasionally you’ll see someone use infidelity as a way to inflict pain.
Who they sleep with. Sometimes, the partner will choose to cheat with someone that is specifically designed to inflict maximum pain. For example, they’ll sleep with their partner’s brother/sister, best friend, boss, parent, etc. It feels like they searched out and slept with the person who could cause their partner the most pain, humiliation, and damage.
Who they tell. Rather than trying to hide the affair, they flaunt it. They openly go around town together, double date with your friends, tell your family, and go out of their way to let all the important people in your life know that they are cheating on you.
In these situations, your partner is purposefully trying to hurt you. And not only do they want to hurt you, and they also want to humiliate you as well. They’re not sorry for the pain they’ve caused, they are glad they caused it. This behavior shows such a huge level of anger combined with an inability to truly understand or care about the pain they are causing. That staying may be an act of self-destruction on your part. It’s one thing for your partner to make a mistake, but it’s another thing for them to try to burn you and the marriage to the ground.
Rebuilding love after emotional damage
An affair is a terrible rupture in a relationship. But it doesn’t have to be the end. Surviving infidelity is possible. I have seen couples come back from infidelity and build better, happier, and more loving marriages. I strongly believe in affair recovery.
In fact, one of the reasons I find affair recovery work so gratifying is that I get to see the tremendous resilience of couples. How they can fight their way back and find each other once again. At the same time, if one or more of these three conditions sound familiar. It’s time to ask yourself, “Does my partner really have the willingness and capacity to change?”.
I hope you found this interesting and useful. Please leave a comment, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website.
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