Infidelity is a major life trauma
Infidelity doesn’t just damage your marriage; it can destroy your whole world. One moment, you think you know your partner, your marriage, your future. And the next moment, you’re wondering if everything you believed was really a lie. You don’t just lose trust in your partner, you also lose trust in yourself and your sense of reality. Everything feels broken.
The trauma is different for the unfaithful partner; for them, the weight of their guilt, shame, and hopelessness is overwhelming. It can feel like their action has ruined their life, their partner’s life, and the kids. That the blame all falls on their shoulders. And they struggle to reconcile their actions with their self-image.
It isn’t about the sex
People make the assumption that infidelity is about sex. If the sex had been better at home, or there’d been more sex, then he/she wouldn’t have cheated. But in my experience, nothing could be further from the truth.
People don’t cheat to get more sex, or better sex, or different sex. They don’t repeatedly lie to their husband or wife, risk breaking their heart and ruining the lives of the people they love just for more sex. They cheat because there is something going on inside them and/or inside the marriage that isn’t being talked about.
There’s no single reason, in my experience, it’s often a mix of many different feelings and experiences. It might include:
A deep sense of loneliness in the marriage
Resentments that have never been fully expressed, worked through, or resolved
Not feeling seen or heard in the marriage
The loss of emotional connection between the partners
A profound sense of hopelessness in the marriage
It can be the unfaithful partner’s last-ditch way of saying, “We can’t go on like this anymore. Something has to change.”
7 Steps to Healing Infidelity
There are many different approaches to healing from infidelity. These are the 7 basic steps I follow in Infidelity Therapy to restore the marriage and work through the trauma of infidelity.
End the affair. You can’t heal from an affair if your partner is still actively in an affair. It’s just not possible.
Express your feelings. The injured partner must have the freedom to fully express their feelings and get answers to their questions.
Grieve the loss. Both partners have experienced a deep loss. Their hopes and dreams for their relationship have been forever damaged.
Accept responsibility and demonstrate true remorse. The partner who cheated must acknowledge their full responsibility rather than blaming their partner. They must take responsibility for the damage they’ve done to their partner and demonstrate their deep remorse.
Understand the causes of the affair. The partners must work together to understand what led to the affair and how they can prevent a reoccurrence. This is about understanding the strengths and weaknesses of the marriage - not about placing blame.
Commitment to change. Infidelity has changed the marriage—it can never go back to the way it was. Therefore, both partners must make a commitment to not only work to heal the rift but also to build a new relationship.
Stay open and connected. Affair recovery can be a slow process, full of ups and downs. One of the greatest challenges is finding a way to remain open and connected as you work through the pain.
An affair doesn’t have to be the end
It’s not easy work, but many couples find a way to forgive, move forward, and create a new, loving, and committed relationship. If you are willing to choose that difficult path, I’m here to help.
I offer online infidelity therapy for couples and individual clients in Marin County, San Francisco, and throughout California.
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