Affair Recovery: Finding hope and surviving infidelity
Nothing can tear a relationship apart like infidelity. It can be a sexual affair, an emotional affair, flirting, use of pornography, or any other way in which one partner feels their trust has been betrayed by the other. Because, at its core, the pain of infidelity comes from a betrayal of trust. And it can make the best relationship feel broken and full of despair.
You are not alone; infidelity is very common. Many marriages experience some type of affair. But it’s important to know that infidelity does not have to mean the relationship is over. Many relationships not only survive infidelity, but they can also grow stronger through the experience. But, moving forward requires hard work on both sides. Affair Recovery Counseling can be an important part of the infidelity recovery process.
Steps to healing infidelity
Its not enough to just have the one who cheated apologize and make ammends. Both partners are part of the affair recovery and healing process, and both have to be committed to working together in counseling. The following are the 7 basic steps I follow in Infidelity Counseling as part of the marriage restoration process and to work through the trauma of infidelity.
End the affair. You can’t heal from an affair while one or both partners is actively in an affair. It’s just not possible.
Express your feelings. The injured partner must have the freedom to fully express their feelings and get answers to their questions.
Grieve the loss. Both partners have experienced a deep loss. Their hopes and dreams for their relationship have been forever damaged.
Accept responsibility and demonstrate true remorse. The partner who stepped out of the marriage must acknowledge their full responsibility rather than blaming their partner. They must recognize, and take responsibility for, the pain they caused their partner and demonstrate their deep remorse.
Understand the causes of the affair. The partners must work together to understand what led to the affair and how they can prevent a reoccurrence. This is about understanding the strengths and weaknesses of the marriage - not about placing blame.
Be open to change. The infidelity has changed your relationship - it can never truly be the same. Therefore, both partners must make a commitment to work toward not only healing the rift, but to building a new and stronger relationship.
Stay open and connected. Affair recovery can be a slow process, full of ups and downs. One of the greatest challenges is finding a way to remain open and connected as you work through the pain.
An affair doesn’t have to be the end
Your relationship doesn’t have to end because of an affair. In Affair Recovery Counseling you can decide whether to end the relationship, or work together to move forward. It’s not easy work. But many couples find a way to forgive, move forward, and create a new, loving, and committed relationship. I’m here to help both of you navigate this difficult path.
Next steps
Surviving infidelity is hard to do on your own. If you’d like some help working through this very difficult problem, I hope you’ll give me a call. I’d be happy to set-up a free 20 minute phone consultation to help you decide if I’d be a good fit. My office is in San Francisco and Marin, and I see clients from anywhere in California by phone or video.
You might also enjoy reading:
Affair Recovery: Sex after the affair podcast