Sexless marriage. The pain of a dead bedroom
There is a terrible loneliness that comes with a sexless marriage. A deep sense of sadness that something very precious and important has been lost. Along with a feeling of hopelessness, because everything that you’ve done to regain that intimacy has failed, or made things worse.
Many couples start out their relationship with an active and happy sex life, but then see it gradually change into a sexless relationship. There isn’t a conscious decision to stop having sex. Instead, sex just seemed to fade away from the relationship. And before they know it, it’s been months, years, or decades since they had a meaningful sexual connection.
While the sex has disappeared, the marriage continues. And the marriage often remains loving, meaningful, happy, and strong. During this time, they may have occasional fights about sex, demands for sex, or attempts to start having sex. But the one thing that is usually missing is an open, loving, and honest discussion about sex.
For many, it is easier to go for years without sex than to talk about their sexless marriage. And the longer it remains undiscussed, the harder it is to start the conversation. That’s where Couples Counseling comes in. It’s my job to help you have those difficult, but important, conversations.
It’s more about emotional intimacy than sex
Most therapists will point to mismatched libidos, a loss of desire, or suggest tips and tricks to make sex more exciting. But I don’t think couples stop having sex because the sex is boring or because they’ve lost the desire for sex with their partner. For most couples, desire remains even as the frequency of sex wanes.
I look at a sexless marriage differently. I believe that sex fades as the couple’s connection fades. As they become less emotionally intimate. As they begin to feel lonely in the marriage, the sexual spark begins to dim. Not the other way around. That’s why just adding a few Date Nights is not a cure for a lack of intimacy in the marriage. The solution isn’t just a romantic dinner or a night away from the kids (though that never hurts). Couples have already tried the date night cure, and it doesn’t seem to change anything. Or, in some cases, it just makes them feel even more alone.
My focus is on helping the couple to feel closer emotionally. And, as they feel more emotionally intimate, the sex naturally begins to come back to the relationship.
Anxious? Avoidant? Secure?
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Seniors and a sexless marriage
Seniors have an extra challenge, as they work to keep their sex life active while navigating a host of changes to their bodies. Unless they’re able to talk about these changes (e.g., menopause, erectile dysfunction, prostate cancer, illnesses and disabilities, etc.), their shame and fear of disappointing their partner will often cut off their sexual connection.
This can happen with young couples as well. I’ve worked with couples in their twenties and thirties where an unresolved emotional rift has damaged trust, and their once very active sex life quickly dwindles, and soon they find themselves in a dead bedroom.
How to re-open the door to sex in your marriage
Creating a meaningful sexual connection isn’t so much about rekindling desire as it’s about rekindling emotional intimacy and reconnecting as a couple. The path back to having a lasting sexual relationship comes through building trust and intimacy. The willingness to listen, heal old wounds, share feelings, and tell your partner what you’ve been too angry, shy, or ashamed to say.
As you reconnect and re-engage as a couple, you open the door to bringing sex back into your marriage.
I offer online couples therapy for sexless and low-sex marriages in Marin County, San Francisco, and throughout California by Zoom.
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FAQ’s
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I am not a certified sex therapist. However, much of my work focuses on helping couples with issues of sex and intimacy. Most sex problems are really relationship problems.
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When couples stop having sex, it's usually reflects a lack of emotional intimacy, not a lack of desire.
I work to help the couple feel more emotionally connected and feel a greater level of emotional intimacy. This emotional connection almost always then restarts their sex life.
In my experience, more emotional intimacy leads to more sex. But more sex does not lead to more intimacy.
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Often, our bodies change (e.g., aging, illness, surgery), and we can no longer have sex the way we used to. That's just a fact of life.
Just because you can no longer have penetrative sex the way you used to doesn't mean your sex life is over. Sex is not just about penetration and orgasm. Sex is about feeling sexually alive and sexually connected to your partnere.
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I am based in Sausalito, and most of my clients live in Marin County or San Francisco. But I provide online individual and couples therapy anywhere in California.