Why do couples fight on vacation?
Most couples look forward to going on vacation together without the kids. They dream of all the stress free time, just hanging out by the pool and spending time with their partner. Romance, sex, intimacy, fun. It sounds great. So, why is it that so many couples come back from these getaways disappointed? Why are these vacations marred by fights rather than full of romance?
Closeness can be hard
Couples often talk about their desire to feel closer and more connected. More emotionally intimate. But, while they say they want to be more emotionally close, that level of intimacy can be difficult to handle. Some of us are very comfortable and open to closeness while others may feel more comfortable with a little distance. Neither approach is right or wrong. These different styles simply reflect who we are as a person, our personality, the experiences we’ve had in our life, and how we feel about relationships.
The problem comes when you view you’re your style as “right” and your partner’s relationship style as “wrong”. Then, instead of accepting and embracing your partner for who they are, the two of you engage in an ongoing battle to convince the other that they need to be different. Good luck with that!
Accepting your partner’s relationship style
Nowhere is that struggle to adapt to each other’s relationship style more evident than when you’re on vacation. When you’re in your usual routine you don’t notice the conflict in styles as much. You’ve worked out how the balance of time when you feel close and times when you are more independent. Separate time is built into your life, you go to work, to the gym, out with girl/guy friends, spend time on hobbies. And your emotionally and physically intimate time is also well established; sex on Saturdays mornings, out to dinner on Friday nights, stay home and watch movies on Wednesday, cook a special dinner together on Sunday, and check in with each other every afternoon at work, etc.
But, when you’re on a vacation all that structure falls away. And it’s just the two of you. There are no guardrails to help you, or your partner, stay in your own lane. Nor is there any scaffolding to help you be more connected. So, instead of easily moving between wonderful opportunities to do some things alone (spa day) and other things together (afternoon sex or go to a concert), the vacation becomes an endless series of discussions, debates, and negotiations that inevitably result in hurt feelings and fights. And these fights feel so surprising because all you’re trying to do is get closer to your partner. But somehow, when they don’t respond the way you’d hoped, you end up feeling abandoned. Over, and over again.
Fighting while sitting by the pool
Imagine a couple who are on vacation in Hawaii. They wake up on their first morning, have the Polynesian Breakfast Buffet, and then head out to sit by the pool and read their books. Sounds like heaven. After about an hour or so, Charlie starts to feel restless and makes noises about going on a hike together or doing something on his own, “Let’s get going,” Charlie says, “I don’t want to waste the whole day doing nothing”. Alex either ignores Charlie or pushes back saying something like “We’re in Hawaii! Why can’t you just relax and enjoy yourself like a normal person?”. 5 minutes later they’re deep into a fight. A few minutes after that, Charlie storms off alone or drags an unhappy Alex on a hike. And neither of them are happy. What just happened?
Scenes like this reflect the difficulty couples have maintaining a loving connection while also feeling independent. Here are three common examples of how this might play out:
Feeling different
Couples like to think that they are like two peas in a pod. Comfortable and compatible. But in many relationships, the partners have different relationship styles. One seems to always be trying to get closer while the other feels more comfortable with a little distance. When some event (like reading at the pool) highlights this difference it is a replay of so many previous fights, and it:
Reminds you of all the ways in which the two of you are different.
That feeling of being different from your partner makes you feel a little anxious or hurt.
When you become anxious about your primary relationship, you naturally feel less connected.
You sense that something is wrong and then, depending on your relationship style, you either clamor for more closeness or pull away. Both strategies result in pushing your partner further away.
When you feel disconnected from your partner, anything can turn into a fight.
Feeling left
Alex talks about how much he enjoys reading by the pool. But what Alex enjoys the most is the feeling of being close and connected with Charlie as they sit there together. So, sitting by the pool really has a much bigger meaning to Alex. When Charlie wants to leave the pool, Alex feels hurt. On an attachment level, Alex interprets this as Charlie not valuing the connection they’re having at the pool. Alex feels unloved and not important to Charlie. Alex really wants to say is “I’m really enjoying sitting here with you. It makes me happy, and I feel hurt that you don’t want to spend time sitting here with me”. But that’s too vulnerable and risky to say. So instead, Alex sends a Zinger, and criticizes Charlie for not knowing how to relax “like a normal person”.
Feeling unseen
Charlie relaxes by being active and sitting by the pool is not Charlie’s idea of fun. Charlie does it for a while to make Alex happy and to feel close. But after about an hour it’s been enough sitting and enough closeness, Charlie needs a break. What Charlie really wants to say is, “Honey I love you, but I need some alone time or I need for us to do something more active”. But Charlie doesn’t say this out of fear of hurting Alex’s feelings. And Charlie starts getting anxious and upset. So, instead of communicating those confusing and vulnerable feelings, out comes a Zinger, accusing Alex of “wasting the whole day”. What Charlie really wants is for Alex to see Charlie’s distress, accept their different styles, and still feel how much they love each other.
How to be different and stay together
Accepting different relationship styles can be challenging. It is the primary issue that brings couples to Couples Therapy. Here are a few techniques to help you navigate these waters on your next vacation.
Talk about it before you leave. Talk about how you each have different needs for together time and separate time. “I really love you, but sometimes I need to go off and do things on my own. I really look forward to getting back together and telling you what I’ve been doing”.
Get specific. Talk about when you’re going to be together and when you’ll be exploring on your own. Decide what activities you want to do together, and which are better as solo adventures.
Be flexible. Don’t get locked into your plans. Try to stay open to changing things up when you get to your destination.
Share. One of the great things about doing some activities separately is that you can each bring something new back to the relationship. Make sure that you take the time to tell your partner about what you’ve been doing while you’ve been apart. This lets them share in your experience and brings you closer.
Focus on each other when you’re together. When you’re together, be together. There’s a wonderful quote from the Zen Monk Thich Nhat Hanh. “When you love someone, the best thing you offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?”. This doesn’t mean you need to be together all the time. It just means that when you are together, be fully together.
Talking about your feelings
Vacation arguments may seem like they’re about pool time vs shopping or visiting a museum vs. taking a hike. But in reality, they’re about our need for both intimacy and independence. Both partners want to feel deeply connected, but they need to connect in their own way.
These are hard things to talk about. It can feel very risky to talk about your need for closeness and your need for independence. But it’s a risk worth taking. You may be surprised at how much talking about your differences can make you feel closer together.
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website.
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