Intimacy Anorexia and the sexless marriage
The term “Intimacy Anorexia” has become popular over the last several years. The term was originally coined by psychologist Douglas Weiss.
What is Intimacy Anorexia
Here is Dr. Weiss’s definition of Intimacy Anorexia.
“The active withholding of emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy
from the spouse or partner.”
The idea is that one partner is actively withholding sex from the marriage. Intimacy Anorexia is often linked to couples living in sexless marriages. It sounds simple – but I don’t believe it. That’s just not the way marriages work.
The reason I don’t buy into this definition of Intimacy Anorexia is that it assigns all the blame to one person. It states that the marriage is having a problem because one partner is depriving the other partner of intimacy. In my experience, in a marriage (or a committed relationship) there’s almost nothing that’s all one partner’s fault. Instead, what I see, is that the state of the relationship is a reflection of both partners.
In fact, by assigning blame to one partner, all you’re doing is driving a wedge between them. And that’s the last thing they need.
The fallacy of Intimacy Anorexia
When a couple comes into my practice for help with a sexless, or a very low-sex marriage, it’s not a one person problem. It’s a couple’s problem.
Over time, the couple may have adopted a narrative in which all the blame is assigned to one partner “I want to have sex but he never wants to” or “If she’d just say yes everything would be fine”. They may have even grown comfortable in those roles. They know how to play The martyred husband and the cold wife or The withdrawn husband and the emotional wife. But it’s just not that simple.
Villain and Victim
This story where it’s all his, or her, fault is just another example of the problem they’re having as a couple. They are so unable to work together that they can’t even agree to the fact that they both contribute to their sex problem. It’s easier, and safer, to paint one as the villain and the other as the victim.
As long as they hold to the story that one person is broken and has to be fixed in order for the couple to have sex, they will have trouble rebuilding their sex life. Because regaining their intimacy depends on both of them being able to see the lack of sex as a reflection of what’s happening between them in the relationship.
The path back to sex
The most popular treatment for a sexless marriage is to encourage the couple to have more Date Nights. And Date Nights are great for couples where both really want to have sex but they just can’t seem to find time for each other within the demands of daily life. But Date Nights are a useless prescription for a couple caught in a true sexless marriage, where that sexual connection and desire has been lost or at best misplaced.
In talking with sexless couples, I start by looking at what’s changed between them as a couple. How has the relationship changed so that it’s no longer a safe place for one or both of them to feel trusting, loving vulnerable, and sexual? In what way has the soil of the marriage become so arid that the feelings of connection and desire have withered? What prevents each from reaching out to the other? Where has the trust, and a deep sense of connection gone?
Rebuilding their sex life rests on their ability to let go of their individual anger, shame, and resentment and focus on how sad and hurt they both are for what they’ve lost as a couple. Because, how can they expect to have a meaningful sex life if they can’t work together as a team? After all, sex is a team sport. It requires both partners to be present and connected. And without that intimate connection, even if they find a way to have sex, the sex will quickly dry up and they’ll be back to where they started.
The rare exception where it is one person’s fault
In nearly all cases, couples in a sexless marriage started out having sex. Their sex life might have been good, bad, or mediocre, but they used to have sex. And then, something happened within the relationship, and their sex life gradually diminished until it vanished. It’s not that one, or both, partners suddenly stopped wanting to have sex. Rather, something changed in their relationship with each other, and that change resulted in less sex.
But in a few cases, the couple was never having sex, even at the beginning of the relationship. One, or both, were uncomfortable or uninterested and never really wanted sex. In that case, he or she isn’t withholding intimacy, because they never wanted sexual intimacy to begin with. And if there is a conflict over their sex life, it’s usually because the partner that wants sex never truly accepted the fact that their partner isn’t interested in sex and has never been interested in sex. Instead of accepting their partner’s attitude toward sex, they’ve spent years secretly hoping things would change. Trying to convince, cajole, and coerce their partner to change. And, when that change didn’t occur, they usually grow angry, distant, and resentful.
In that case it is one person’s fault. But not the fault of the person who doesn’t want sex. The fault lies with the partner who entered into the relationship unwilling to accept that their partner lacks sexual desire. They started a marriage based on the idea that their partner was going to change. And, as we all know, that just never works out.
Emotional Anorexia
Sometimes, people confuse the idea of Intimacy Anorexia with Emotional Anorexia. They are two very different ideas. Emotional Anorexia is when someone loses the ability to express their feelings. They are caught in a terrible dilemma where they feel that if they express their feelings they will be shamed. And, to protect themselves from that shaming, they keep a very, very tight lid on their feelings. But, as a result, they just boil and bubble on the inside. Until some minor issue will cause a torrent of harsh feelings to emerge. And then, they will go back to putting a lid on everything, and just try to screw it down tighter.
Here are some related blog posts that you might find helpful.
What causes a sexless marriage