What does it mean to be emotionally vulnerable?
What is vulnerability?
We hear the word "vulnerability" everywhere these days—in books, podcasts, and certainly in my therapy office. But for most of us, being told to "be more vulnerable" feels less like an invitation and more like a threat: “I need you to be more vulnerable.
When your partner asks you to open up, they aren't just asking for a status update on your day; they are asking you to lower your armor and expose yourself to the risk of disappointment or ridicule. It’s not surprising, because vulnerable comes from the Latin, meaning “Able to be wounded”.
In this video, I explore why we are hardwired to protect ourselves, how our childhoods shape our willingness to be seen, and why this "deceptively simple" concept is actually the secret to feeling truly less alone in the world.
Choosing vulnerability
As I mentioned in the video, vulnerability isn’t an all-or-nothing choice. It’s a continuum. You don’t have to tear down all your walls overnight to find a deeper connection with your partner. Sometimes, it starts with a single, conscious act: admitting a mistake, sharing a small insecurity, or simply asking for support when you're used to doing it all yourself.
The tug-of-war between our need for safety and our need for connection is at the very heart of the human experience. If you find yourself stuck behind your walls—or if you and your partner are struggling to find that "middle ground" on the continuum—know that this is exactly the work we do in therapy. Finding your own answer to the question "Why bother being vulnerable?" is a journey. And, its a journey best taken with someone you love.
Transcript of the video
Just in case you prefer to read than watch, here’s a transcript of the video.
What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Vulnerable?
1. Intro Today, we’re going to try and answer a deceptively simple question: What does it mean to be emotionally vulnerable? There’s all this talk about being vulnerable in your relationship, but what does that really mean? When your partner asks you to be more vulnerable, what are they really asking for? It sounds simple, but it turns out to be pretty tricky. Let’s take a look.
2. What Does It Mean to Be Vulnerable? Let’s start with the word "vulnerable." It’s a really interesting word. It comes from the Latin vulnerabilis, which literally means “able to be wounded.” I can’t imagine a more apt definition. When we are vulnerable with our partner, we open ourselves up to being hurt in all kinds of ways: fear, loneliness, disappointment, shame, anger, ridicule, and more. We literally open up the armor we wear all day in the world and expose our weak underbelly to danger.
The opposite of vulnerable is defensive. I imagine a person standing behind the walls of a fort—safe, but isolated and alone. So, we have these two choices: safe but separate, or connected but able to be harmed.
But don’t worry, it’s not really a choice between being "all defensive" or "all vulnerable." It’s a continuum. We have to find a place on that continuum that works both for us as an individual and for the relationship. Much of couples therapy involves helping couples navigate that balance between being vulnerable and being defended.
When you think of it that way, it’s no wonder it’s difficult to navigate. As human beings, we have two core drives. One is to be connected—to feel a part of the tribe. But we also have a fundamental need to protect ourselves and be safe. In our primary relationships, there are times when those two drives—connection versus safety—can feel in conflict. It can get very confusing because we want both things.
This doesn’t come naturally. While we’re born knowing how to protect ourselves, we often have to learn how to open ourselves up to others, how to calm our natural fear, and how to take a risk. It’s a conscious act. It’s a decision that we make—or perhaps one that we don’t make. It’s a choice.
3. Our Vulnerability “Stance” When we begin a love relationship, whether it’s our first or our tenth, we don’t come as blank slates. We come to each relationship with our history and our experiences. Those experiences have shaped our attitude toward vulnerability.
We first learn about vulnerability in our families. Some of us are born into very stable, loving, and emotionally open homes where it is the norm to express feelings openly, have others listen, and have them respond in a way that shows they are in tune with us.
But many of us are not that lucky. Many are born into families that are unpredictable, unstable, or chaotic—where if we tell someone our feelings, it is likely to be used against us. We may have been ridiculed or humiliated for having feelings, desires, and dreams. Some are born into families where there is emotional or physical violence, which teaches important lessons about self-protection and the tremendous risk that comes with vulnerability. Others are born into alcoholic families characterized by confusion, mixed messages, inconsistency, and unspoken demands.
Most of us are born into families that lie somewhere between those two extremes—families that are stable in some ways, but at other times chaotic; loving and accepting, but with the potential to be dismissive or rigid.
No matter your upbringing, you come to your relationships with an attitude toward vulnerability already carved into you. We bring a default belief: Do we believe the goal is to be open and honest, or to protect ourselves and hold something back? Do we believe our partner loves us deeply and sees us for who we are, or do we feel that showing our true selves invites rejection? Do we feel we must control the household, or are we optimistic that things will work out?
Our experience in each subsequent relationship teaches us even more. These experiences may help us open up to love, or they may remind us of the importance of protecting ourselves. We bring our attitude toward vulnerability with us wherever we go. We may change partners, but the pattern persists until we change ourselves.
4. What Does Vulnerability Look Like? Many of us who have been taught to be wary of vulnerability don’t really have the language of openness. We don’t always know what it looks like. We demonstrate vulnerability in a relationship in many different ways. Here are just a few:
Sharing Personal Feelings: Discussing fears, insecurities, and emotional struggles without holding back.
Expressing Needs and Desires: Clearly communicating what you want in the relationship, including emotional and physical intimacy.
Admitting Mistakes: Acknowledging personal errors or shortcomings and taking responsibility for them.
Being Honest About Past Experiences: Opening up about previous traumas or experiences that shape current behavior.
Showing Emotion: Allowing yourself to express emotions like sadness, fear, or joy openly without fear of judgment.
Asking for Support: Seeking help from a partner during difficult times and being receptive to their support.
Taking Risks: Sharing dreams, aspirations, or uncertainties about the future.
Listening Actively: Engaging with a partner's vulnerabilities and responding with empathy and understanding.
5. What Is the Value of Vulnerability? To those of us uncomfortable with the idea of vulnerability, we carry an important question: “Why bother?” Why should I make myself "able to be wounded"? Why should I risk my safety? Doesn’t it make more sense to be practical, logical, and sensible?
To answer that, I think about business in terms of risk versus reward. Vulnerability is the pathway to feeling deeply connected to others. You can be with your partner, travel together, raise children, and grow old together, but if you don’t allow yourself to be truly vulnerable—if you never share your deepest fears and needs—you may never experience the deepest sense of togetherness.
Vulnerability is the path to emotional intimacy that helps us feel less alone. I’ve seen many couples who have very "functionally connected" marriages, but they lack that deep emotional connection.
To me, “Why bother?” is an existential question. It defines how we want to exist in the world. We can make ourselves open to being wounded and, in return, feel deeply connected. Or we can stand behind our walls—protected, but less connected and struggling with a sense of being alone.
There is no right answer. It is a struggle we must each navigate as individuals and as partners. As a therapist, I see this as the core of what I do: helping my patients feel this tug-of-war between vulnerability and defensiveness and helping them find their own answer.
I hope you found this interesting and useful. It has been a pleasure and a privilege to be with you today. I’m Jacob Brown, and I hope I’ll see you again soon.