Building emotional intimacy in your marriage.

Couples often come to therapy with the idea that the goal is to be able to “get along” or “stop fighting”.  That makes sense, because all that conflict, whether it comes out as yelling or the silent treatment, is incredibly uncomfortable. Unfortunately, while “getting along” makes for a much more pleasant time, it is not enough to be the foundation for a great marriage.

In my experience, great marriages are not based on a lack of conflict, they are based on a deep sense of emotional intimacy.  I have seen countless couples who get along.  They see themselves as being “really good partners”.  They don’t fight much, raise the kids well together, go on vacation, and they can even successfully remodel the house.  But despite their day-to-day compatibility, their marriage feels unsatisfying.  They feel emotionally lonely and lack a sense of deep connection and intimacy with their partner. 

At the same time, I have seen other couples whose marriage is marked by conflict.  In many ways, they don’t get along very well. They aren’t “compatible”.  But many of these couples still feel deeply close and connected.  Their conflicts are an ongoing challenge for them, but the partners feel secure in their emotional connection.

If you feel tightly connected to your partner, you can navigate all kinds of problems.  But without that connection, each time you hit rough water it feels like the marriage may capsize.

Is it a communication problem or an intimacy problem?

Time and again, couples come to counseling complaining that “we don’t do a good job of communicating”.  However, once they start therapy, it becomes clear that the problem isn’t their ability to communicate.  The problem is their difficulty being open, honest, and vulnerable with each other.  They don’t know how to have difficult conversations.

These couples often do an excellent job of talking about the day-to-day issues in their marriage, but a poor job sharing their inner thoughts and feelings.  They don’t know how to tell their partner their deeper feelings about themselves, about the partner, or about the marriage.  They may complain loudly about unwashed dishes, spending habits, and the division of labor at home. But when it comes to what they’re feeling inside, they just keep their mouths shut. 

They are afraid that if they say anything it will just make things worse.  And over time, the pressure continues to build until finally the damn breaks and all the words pour out in an angry rant or an emotional collapse.

What comes rushing out are angry statements, like:

“You only care about yourself”

“All you do is look at your phone”

“You never listen to me”

“You never really loved me. You don’t know how to love.”

But they want to communicate their more vulnerable feelings, like:

“Do you still love me?”  “Do you desire me?”

“I feel lonely”

“I don’t feel like I’m important to you”.

“I feel like there should be more to our marriage”

Then they finish it all off with a really nasty fight.  And the fight just reinforces each partner’s belief that it’s best to keep these feelings to themselves, and that talking about them causes trouble.  And the cycle just keeps repeating.

Listening is hard too.

It can be equally hard to listen to your partner’s feelings. 

In some marriages, there’s one partner who is practically begging the other to share his/her feelings. And then, when they finally do share their feelings, it doesn’t go well.

Not surprisingly, people get upset when their partner starts telling them how they feel.  And, instead of listening and trying to understand how their partner is feeling, they try to manage the partner’s feelings.  Here are some of the most common responses I see.

1.   Deny that there is a problem – “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re wrong.”

2.   Try to fix their partner’s feelings – “You are so negative.  Try being grateful.”

3.   Get defensive – “You are always criticizing me.”

4.   Get angry – “You’re just a selfish asshole, I don’t know why I married you.”

5.   Collapse: “It’s all my fault.  I can’t give you what you need.”

Learning to have difficult conversations

One of the primary goals of couples therapy is to help couples learn how to have these difficult conversations.  To help them learn how to share their vulnerable feelings and listen to their partner’s feelings.  How to have a difficult conversation rather than a fight or retreating into the silent treatment.

That sounds easy, but in practice, it can be a huge challenge.  Couples fear these conversations, that’s why they keep putting them off.  They are often convinced that:

• The conversation will just lead to another destructive and painful fight

• The marriage won’t be able to survive if they are honest about how they feel

• They won’t be able to stay in the marriage if they hear how their partner really feels about them

• They will be overwhelmed by a sense of sadness and loss

What happens in Couples Therapy?

In couples therapy, the partners learn to trust that their partners can hear their feelings and not get angry and leave. And they learn that they can hear their partner’s feelings without hiding in shame.

We do this slowly, carefully, and gradually.  Over time, they learn how to trust their partners with their feelings.  And they shift the conversation from accusations “You always…” to “I miss feeling close to you”. 

The focus isn’t on “Fixing the problem”.  Instead, the focus is on understanding how each partner feels; individually and together.  Because it is these feelings; loneliness, sadness, not feeling seen or heard or valued, that lead to problems in the relationship.  Once you understand what you’re actually feeling, you can stop spending all that energy hiding your feelings, and instead focus on finding ways to feel close and connected.

It is very difficult, if not impossible, to have these difficult conversations if you don’t feel emotionally connected with the other person.  Emotional intimacy is the foundation of these types of conversations. Intimacy provides the ability to feel safe, connected, and understood by your partner. When you have emotional intimacy, you feel like you can safely share your deepest thoughts and feelings with your partner. 

The goal

It’s easy to think the goal is to resolve conflict.  Everyone wants less conflict in their life. But, you can’t resolve the conflict until you feel emotionally connected.

So, in therapy, I shift the focus from resolving conflict to increasing emotional intimacy.  Helping the partners to take the time to really listen and express their feelings.  And, remarkably, as couples feel more emotionally connected, many of their conflicts just fade away.