Is Watching Porn Cheating?
At first glance, the question “Is watching porn cheating?” might seem surprising. After all, there's no "real infidelity” or “real sex” going on. So, you might think, what’s the big deal?
But in many marriages, the use of porn is a very big deal. Porn can become an ongoing source of pain in a marriage that causes fights, deeply hurt feelings, resentment, and sometimes divorce.
Many would argue that porn itself is wrong. That it objectifies and debases both the women and men who are portrayed. But if your partner complains about you masturbating while watching porn, they are probably not complaining about it from a moral or feminist perspective. They are trying to tell you that they feel hurt and betrayed.
The growth of porn as an issue in Couples Therapy
Over the past two decades internet porn has become ubiquitous. We are surrounded by it. I remember when my daughter was around 11 and wanted to bake a pie for Thanksgiving. She made the mistake of Googling “Cream Pies” and was upset for days. It is inescapable.
As it has become more common its use has become more accepted. And, as it becomes more accepted, it naturally shows up in marriages. Now, porn in one way or another has always been present in marriages, that’s nothing new. But the amount of porn, the explicitness of porn, and the growing use of porn have turned that molehill into a mountain.
As a couples therapist, I have seen a rapid increase in the number of couples coming for help with the friction caused by porn use. It is important to mention that porn use is not a “guy” problem. Yes, men are probably bigger users of porn (there are no real statistics on this). But women have become more common users of porn as well. And, many times their partner (whether they’re straight or queer) are upset by their porn use.
What is cheating in the digital age?
When they come into my office, the couple is usually engaged in a furious battle over “Is watching porn cheating?”. They come to me for an answer, as if I was some sort of referee. And, both partners are usually disappointed when I refuse to get engaged in that debate.
As a therapist, I don’t see porn as a moral or ethical issue, to me it is a relationship issue. And, within the context of the relationship, the real question isn’t “is it cheating”. The real questions are:
1. What does the porn use tell us about the partner? This includes questions like: how often, when, why, what kind of porn, etc.
2. Why does their porn use bother their partner so much? How does the porn use make them feel? What meaning do they give to their partner’s porn use? What physical reaction do they get to knowing their partner is using porn? Why?
It doesn’t matter if it’s porn, or flirting, texting, or looking at a good-looking girl/guy on the street. The question isn’t what they’re doing, it’s why they are doing it and why their partner is so upset.
It’s not the act of watching porn. It’s the meaning that both partners give to the porn.
My husband prefers his hand over me.
A couple will come in my office and one partner will say something like “My husband prefers his hand over me” or “My wife prefers her vibrator over me”. And, at that moment, they are trying to make the pornography or the vibrator the problem. They are essentially saying, if he/she would only stop masturbating everything would be OK.
But as a therapist, I hear something very different. I hear them saying “I feel so hurt when he/she masturbates. I feel as if I’m not enough”.
And that shame of not feeling enough is usually at the core of the conflict. The hurt partner interprets the porn use as saying they are not enough. And as a result they feel as if they are not desired, not valued, and not wanted.
Signs of porn addiction
The hurt partner will often see this as an addiction. They will say “she/he’s addicted to porn”. But nine times out of 10 the partner does not have a porn addiction. What their claim really means is that they’ve yelled at them, begged them, and demanded that they stop using porn. And their partner continues to use porn.
This is not a porn addiction. This is a tug-of-war in the marriage. This is a battle over autonomy, power, and an individual’s own sexuality.
Is porn the problem? Or is their masturbation the real problem?
Many partners will focus on porn as the problem. But, in many or most cases, the real problem isn’t that their partner is looking at porn. It’s the masturbation. It deeply upsets them that their partner is having this sexual experience without them. The idea that their partner is masturbating can have many different meanings.
1. They thought they were an essential part of their partner’s sex life. The fact that they can have sex without them makes them feel useless. They are not needed.
2. The couple has agreed to be monogamous, but their partner’s masturbation feels as if they are breaking this agreement and having sex outside of the marriage. This makes them feel disappointed and perhaps betrayed.
3. They believe that their partner’s masturbation is robbing their partner of sexual energy and desire. And that means there is less desire left for them.
This is the topic that has to be discussed, rather than fighting over the use of pornography. This is the sense of betrayal and of not being important that deeply hurts the partner. And that hurt comes out as anger.
How to talk about porn in a committed relationship
So, how can a couple navigate the use of porn in their relationship? How can they stop fighting and start talking about what’s really going on inside both partners? How can they stop blaming the porn and start talking about what’s happening in their marriage?
Here are a few suggestions on how to start this important conversation.
1. Stop arguing about whether porn is or isn’t cheating. Just put that argument on the shelf and leave it there.
2. Focus on trying to understand the pain that porn, and masturbation, cause the hurt partner. They need to get in touch with the pain, rather than just the anger. And then their partner has to be able to hear their pain and demonstrate kindness and empathy.
3. Stop trying to control the porn user. Instead, open up the discussion to understand what porn means to them, what your pressure to stop feels like, and why they are resisting stopping.