How to deal with Passive Aggressive people.
We’ve all heard the term passive-aggressive countless times. You may have heard other people use it, you may have used it yourself, or maybe your partner has accused you of being passive-aggressive. While it’s a common term, it’s not very well understood. If you asked 100 people to define it, I think you’d get around 95 different answers. But one thing is certain, passive-aggressive behavior can drive you out of your mind.
A simple definition of passive-aggressive behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is a way for the PA (Passive-Aggressive) partner to express their unhappiness with another person or a situation (typically feelings of anger, hurt, or disappointment), without actually saying what they’re really unhappy about. This way they get to express their anger without having to be open and vulnerable.
There are three basic components to passive-aggressive behavior.
1. The PA partner expresses their negative feelings (e.g., anger, criticism, dissatisfaction) indirectly (e.g., sarcasm, silent treatment, procrastination, etc.) rather than talking about them openly with the Non-PA partner.
2. When asked about their feelings, the PA partner strongly denies that they are angry or have any negative feelings.
3. Their indirect behavior often makes the Non-PA partner upset or angry. The PA partner then gets angry with the Non-PA partner about their reaction. This gives the PA partner a chance to express their anger without ever discussing what they are actually unhappy about. They have shifted the conversation from their own feelings to the Non-PA partner’s behavior.
Types of passive-aggressive behavior
There are many different ways that people express passive-aggressive behavior. Here are three types that I frequently see in my Couples Therapy practice. Remember, the key element is it gives the PA partner a way to express their negative feeling without talking about what’s really bothering them or taking responsibility for their unhappy feelings.
The Reverse Attack
The PA partner is unhappy with the Non-PA partner. It could be about something very big or very small. But either way, they are upset.
Instead of telling their partner that they are unhappy, the PA partner says something sarcastic, like “Wow, you’re actually putting your towel away instead of just dropping it on the floor. That’s a first.”
The Non-PA partner gets angry and says, “What are you talking about? I always pick up my towel. I hate it when you pick on me like that. You can be so mean. Why aree you angry with me?”
The PA partner strongly denies being angry “No, of course, I’m not angry. Why would you say something like that? Why would I be angry at you?”
Then the PA partner reverses the discussion and gets angry at the Non-PA partner for the way they reacted. “You’re so sensitive. I can’t say anything to you without you making it a big deal. God, I wish you’d stop overreacting. You’re like a little kid. It’s impossible to have a talk with you”.
The Avoidance Attack
The PA partner is unhappy with their partner and hasn’t said anything about their feelings.
The Non-PA partner reminds them about a task that they’d said they would do. The PA partner responds with something like “Sure, I’ll do it in a couple of minutes”.
An hour later the non-PA partner asks about it again and gets the same response, “I’ll get to it in just a minute”.
An hour later they ask about it again.
The PA partner then gets very upset with the Non-PA partner and starts a fight calling them “controlling” or “a nag”. Then they can have a fight about the Non-PA partner’s behavior, not about what’s really upsetting the PA partner.
The Ghost Attack
This is the simplest form of passive-aggressive behavior. The PA Partner just drops out of sight. The PA partner stops responding to texts or calls or gives the Non-PA partner the silent treatment. This goes on until the Non-PA partner gets upset, which precipitates a fight about the ghosting instead of the real issue.
What’s really going on here
The PA partner is typically someone who has difficulty clearly expressing their feelings, especially negative feelings. They don’t know how to tell their partner that they are hurt or disappointed. They fear that if they are honest their partner will be angry and it will create a rift in the relationship. But they don’t know what to do about these unhappy feelings. The way they deal with them is to create a situation in which they can feel comfortable expressing their anger at their partner. They do this by making it the partner’s fault. They’re not talking about their own feelings – instead, they are angry about their partner’s behavior.
Why is passive-aggressive behavior a problem
A cycle of passive-aggressive behavior is very damaging to a relationship.
1. It creates chaos. Small issues seem to erupt into big issues at the drop of a hat.
2. It creates confusion. The Non-PA partner comes away from the interaction feeling confused and unsure of themselves. They can’t quite figure out what just happened.
3. It feels unsafe. The Non-PA partner starts walking on eggshells because they’re not sure what will set the PA partner off. As a result, they retreat emotionally from the relationship which leads to more problems.
4. It’s gaslighting. The Non-PA partner feels like they’re going crazy because the PA Partner is always denying that there’s a problem and is repeatedly invalidating their feelings.
5. It’s a diversion. The biggest problem is that this cycle prevents the couple from talking about the real issues that are at the core of the relationship.
How can you identify passive-aggressive behavior?
Passive Aggressive behavior can be difficult to spot. It feels so confusing. That sense of confusion is actually the biggest clue that there is a passive-aggressive cycle in play. If you’re frequently feeling confused about what just caused a fight, or why a simple interaction with your partner went so sour, there’s a good chance that one of you is being passive-aggressive.
Dealing with Passive Aggressive people
The best way to protect yourself from passive-aggressive behavior is to refuse to engage.
When you feel that criticism coming from your partner, say something like “That really hurt my feelings. I want to talk about this, but I’m too upset right now. Let’s talk about it in about an hour.”
This diffuses the situation and gives both partners time to calm down. Then rather than talking about the way they hurt you, start by asking about their feelings. “I want to talk about what happened. It feels like you have some feelings that you’re having trouble talking about. I’d like to understand what you’re feeling.”
After you’re able to get your partner to open up, then you can remind them that they hurt your feelings and ask for an apology.
How to annoy a passive aggressive person
Don’t try to annoy them. That just perpetuates the endless argument. By trying to annoy them you become part of the problem. Annoying a passive aggressive person won’t make them change their behavior. Revenge isn’t the answer.
Change takes time
It isn’t easy to change this communication pattern. It’s a slow process. But, things can improve once you’re able to see what’s really going on. It’s important to remember that the PA partner isn’t doing this intentionally. This all happens unconsciously. They aren’t trying to hurt you – but they just don’t know how to talk about what’s really happening inside them.
This is a difficult situation, and it’s best to try to have compassion both for the PA partner who is caught in a dilemma and to have compassion for yourself because you’re suffering too.
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website. I hope you enjoyed this article. Here are a few articles you might find useful on this topic.