Polyamory: How does a Poly Relationship work?
Polyamory, Open Marriage, Ethical Non-Monogamy. These words have become a part of our vocabulary, but what do they really mean? Are these real relationships? Or are they just fancy new names for cheating?
What is a serious relationship?
Most of us were brought up with the belief that for a relationship to be considered “serious” or “real” it had to be monogamous. In our culture, monogamy is seen as the cornerstone of marriage. And, if one, or both, partners are sleeping with other people, then by definition, it wasn’t a marriage or a serious relationship.
But in the last few years, the idea of what defines a marriage has begun to change. And the boundary of monogamy has shifted. Many people no longer believe that monogamy is essential to marriage. In my Couples Therapy practice, I see many couples who are actively working to re-write their definition of a “good” marriage.
Is this change a good thing? Is it a bad thing? That’s a hard question to answer. But I do know that this is a rapidly growing trend. And it’s not just here in the US, but around the world.
What is Polyamory?
Polyamory is probably the relationship concept that is getting the most attention. Lots of people are curious about Polyamory, some are interested because they are drawn to the concept, while others find the idea of multiple sex partners exciting.
But Polyamory is a complex concept, so it’s no surprise that there’s no simple or official definition. Here’s one that I use as a starting point for discussing Polyamory with clients. It is not meant to be comprehensive, but to provide a way to begin to talk about Polyamory.
The practice of engaging in multiple romantic, and or sexual, relationships, with the
consent of all the people involved.
So, based on that definition, Poly Relationships have a several common elements.
1. There are at least 3 people involved (often two of those people are in an existing relationship – but that is not required)
2. Some, or all, of the members, are having sex with some, or all, of the other members
3. Everyone knows about all the different relationships
4. Everyone has given their consent for these relationships
5. All the participants feel as if they are in a relationship (physical and/or emotional) together
Breaking open the boundaries of marriage
We automatically think of romantic relationships through the lens of the couple. We think of a serious relationship as being based on a couple. Even if there is adultery, that person is having sex outside of the couple. And the affair partner is not a part of the relationship, they are “other”. They are outside of the “real” relationship. The real relationship is between the couple.
That is the way most of us have been raised, that is what we see around us, that’s what the books we read and the shows we watch teach us about what a relationship is.
Given that perspective, it’s not surprising that it can be very hard to get our head around the idea of a Poly Relationship. Perhaps the most difficult point to understand is that a Poly Relationship is not a series of separate relationships. This is not having sex on the side. It’s not that I am married to person A but sometimes I sleep with Person B. That would be a non-monogamous relationship. But not a Poly Relationship.
At the core of Polyamory is an expansion of the concept of a relationship. Instead of limiting a relationship to two people, a Poly Relationship is based on the idea that you can have a meaningful intimate relationship with multiple people. And, that all the members are in a relationship together. Not only do they know about each other, they feel connected with each other. They are part of each other’s lives.
What is a polycule?
So how do we describe this expanded relationship. We have a word to describe a relationship with two people, that’s a couple. We’ve recently adopted a word for a three-person relationship, that’s a throuple. But how do you talk about relationships that include many people?
The Polyamorous “network” that these individuals and couples create is often referred to as a Polycule or a Poly Family. Many Polyamorous people refer to their Polycule as their “Chosen Family”.
Types of Polyamory
Polyamorous relationships come in many different shapes or forms. These different approaches reflect the depth to which the members want to foster strong relationships between all the members. Some focus more on the partner relationships, while others focus on building relationships between all participants.
Kitchen Table Polyamory
A Polycule that prioritizes building relationships between all members. The name comes from the idea that all members of a network “can sit around the kitchen table in their PJs, drinking coffee”
Hierarchical Polyamory
When a couple in the polycule will place the needs of their partner over the needs of other members of the polycule. For example, a married couple in the polycule may make rules for each other to protect their relationship (e.g., you can’t have a sex with anyone I know, or you can only have sex with women/men).
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory
The belief that all members of the network are equal, and that just because you may be a married couple within the Polycule, does not mean that you prioritize your partner’s needs/feelings over the needs and feelings of any other member of the polycule.
Solo Polyamory
This is when an individual has polyamorous relationships, but is not a part of a couple and doesn’t want to be in a couple.
What is Compersion? The glue to a Poly Relationship
In a monogamous relationship, the idea that our partner is having sex with or is deeply emotionally involved with another person feels completely wrong. It feels like a betrayal. It feels like we’re not enough. It feels THREATENING. And, unless it’s addressed, the anger, fear, and shame that comes up will eventually destroy the relationship.
In a Poly Relationship, the participants see the additional partners as adding to the relationship. Rather than worrying that these additional partners will diminish the available love, they feel that the additional partners create more love and connection. They feel more loved in the community of their Poly Family than in the exclusivity of a monogamous relationship.
The desire to expand the relationship is made possible by a feeling called “Compersion”. The definition of Compersion is:
The joy associated with seeing one's partner have a joyful romantic
or sexual relationship with another.
Compersion is the opposite of jealousy. When we feel Compersion, we feel joy for the pleasure our partner experiences through their sexual/emotional connection with another person. We are not jealous or angry; instead, we are glad for them. Their joy gives us joy.
Am I Polyamorous?
It’s easy to focus on the sex part of a Poly Relationship. We’re naturally interested in how it works. Who’s having sex with whom? What are the polyamorous relationship rules about sex? The idea of Polyamory feeds into all types of sexual fantasies. But having more sex isn’t at the core of Poly Relationships. People in successful Poly Relationships are not looking for more sex, they are in search of more love and more connection. And fthey feel more deeply loved and connected from being with multiple partners rather than one partner.
You may ask yourself, am I polyamorous? Or, are we all polyamorous? I don’t think we’re all meant to be Poly. For example, I’m not Poly. I understand the ideas behind Poly Relationships, I have Poly clients in my Couples Therapy practice, I get the idea of Compersion. But I could NEVER be in a Poly Relationship. I could never see additional partners as adding something to my marriage. I would only feel distressed. Luckily, my wife feels the same way. We’re both very happy with monogamy.
Learning more about Polyamory
If you’re interested in learning more about Polyamory, I suggest a great book called Poly Secure by Jessica Fern. Or, listen to my podcast with the author on iTunes or Google Podcasts.
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. I hope you enjoyed this article. Here are a few more articles you might find interesting.
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