Attachment Protests.

Why Do We Have Huge Fights Over Small Things?

Every couple has experienced getting into a huge blow-up over something incredibly small and puzzling. In the aftermath of yelling or slammed doors, you might wonder why it happened and if it means your relationship is in trouble. These intense moments are painful and scary. In this video, we explore the hidden psychological triggers that turn a minor disagreement into a major conflict.

The Science Behind the Fight: Attachment Theory

To truly understand why we become so upset with our partners, we have to look at attachment theory. As mammals, we form deep attachments—initially to our caregivers, and later in life to our spouses and partners. When anything makes it feel like that core attachment bond is under stress or falling apart, internal alarm bells go off.

Depending on your upbringing and past experiences, you might have a secure attachment, allowing you to easily ride out minor relationship blips. However, if you or your partner have a less secure attachment, every perceived threat triggers an immediate, emotional, and physical response.

The "Still Face" Experiment: Why We Panic

To illustrate this powerful dynamic, this video features a classic Harvard study called the Still Face Experiment by Dr. Ed Tronick.

• The Setup: A mother sits down to play normally with her one-year-old baby.

  The Disconnect: The mother is asked to suddenly stop responding to the child for two minutes.

  The Reaction: The baby uses all her abilities to re-engage her mother.

  The Distress: When the mother remains unresponsive, the baby quickly reacts with profound stress and negative emotions.

This experiment is crucial to understand because that baby's reaction lives inside you as an adult. When your partner turns away, stops responding, or stonewalls you, your brain treats it as a massive threat, creating the exact same internal distress.

The Secret to Secure Relationships: The Repair

Dr. Tronick talks about relationships going through the good (normal connection), the bad (a rift that gets repaired), and the ugly (a rift with no chance for reparation).

The most important thing to learn about arguments is that the argument itself isn't the real issue; the key is the repair. The goal of couples therapy is not to never fight, but to find a way to quickly and clearly reconnect. Secure relationships are not perfectly smooth; what makes them secure is the couple's ability to repair after a rupture.

To achieve this, we have to stop blaming our partners and telling them to calm down. Instead, we must acknowledge our own feelings of hurt, loneliness, or worry in the moment.

Watch the full video to understand your relationship dynamics on a deeper level. Once you understand that these reactions are completely normal human behaviors, it becomes much easier to calm down, forgive, and heal together.